Ask HN: Parents of young kids: how do you teach that hitting is not acceptable?

Our 5-year-old sometimes hits when he’s frustrated—usually in situations where he feels overwhelmed, ignored, or forced into something he doesn’t want to do. At home, we’ve been working on helping him name his feelings, pause before reacting, and repair after a mistake.

The real challenge is at school. When he hits or pushes (even mildly), the consequences are immediate and severe—being removed from class, suspension, etc. While I understand the need for safety and boundaries, these responses often don’t seem to help him learn better regulation. In fact, they sometimes make things worse by increasing his anxiety and reinforcing feelings of exclusion.

We’re trying to partner with the school, but it’s hard to find alignment between what’s developmentally appropriate and what fits the school’s behavioral model.

I’m looking for practical, effective strategies that have worked for you—especially things that build empathy or help with self-regulation.

Would love to hear from other parents, educators, or folks who’ve been through this.